Jake Ryan: It's my birthday tomorrow and I will be in the Chicago suburbs so please come and find me and we'll eat cake on a table.
Just when I was beginning to dread turning 37 tomorrow a little less, John Hughes’ passing hit the news. Now if I could only find my Pretty In Pink soundtrack on cassette, I could have a little theme music while I write this post. It’s probably somewhere living in a shelter with my Forenza lookalike sweaters bought at K-mart, and my not-quite-a-Cabbage Patch Kid doll. If you see any of those items on the street, please give them a quarter. They were good to me.
So back to John Hughes. He has gone to that big film editing suite in the sky, and though this is a sad occasion, I would like to thank him for a lot of laughs and wistful stares into space as I imagined someone like the original Rojo Caliente, Eric Stoltz, running after me to like, totally, make out and declare his undying love. . . and maybe give me a pair of diamond earrings while he was at it. (Yes, Eric, it was me along. And it’s OK that you got a little sidetracked by that whore Leah Thompson. I forgive you.)
Hughes has left quite a legacy, huh? Is it even possible to go to the Art Institute to see this painting and not think of Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago? And just a month ago I was quoting that monumental epic—The Breakfast Club—the film that used to drive my grandmother to say things like, “You’re watching that goddamned movie again?” My company had mandated a Saturday morning “Strategy Session” and my office ex-husband (don’t ask) and fellow child of the 80s likened it to detention. We exchanged suggestions on how we could incorporate the movie’s dialogue into the day. When lunch was delivered, we could have said, “Will milk be made available to us? We’re extremely thirsty.” Or if the moderator insisted on one more brainstorming activity, when all we wanted to do was leave and maybe not come back like ever, we could have told her to “Eat. My. Shorts.”
As you could imagine, there were many possibilities.
Well this weekend, I may spill a little beer in Hughes’ honor like my gangbanging homeys taught me. Perhaps we will tag Glenbrook NorthHigh School with the words:
RIP, Genius who gave us Jake Ryan
If you need me, I’ll be in PA:
Michael Schoeffling
(Universal)
Hughes filmography: Sixteen Candles
Update: After landing the role of Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles,” Michael Schoeffling made eight more films but retired from the business in 1991 — mostly because he was having trouble getting roles. Reporters have gone looking for him since with no luck — GQ called him “the Salinger of male models/actors” in 2002. He is reportedly working as a carpenter making handcrafted furniture in northeastern Pennsylvania.